


Welcome Back, Bismuth

by Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer



Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [15]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bismuth Redemption (Steven Universe), Gen, Grief/Mourning, I Am My Mom Gone Wrong, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Past Brainwashing, Past Character Death, Past Memory Loss, Past Torture, Renegades Steven Universe AU, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, War Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28427301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer
Summary: "Why would you…" Bismuth stares at him, then the gems, then him again. She still hasn't picked herself up off of the floor yet, still hasn't moved an inch since she saw them. Her gaze lowers back to Steven, and freezes on him again. "Why would you let me out? I tried to shatter you."Steven can't help but smile a little then. "What, like you're the only one?"| Post-IARQ (I Am Rose Quartz.)
Relationships: Amethyst & Bismuth (Steven Universe), Amethyst & Original Gem Character(s) (Steven Universe), Amethyst & Steven Universe, Bismuth & Garnet (Steven Universe), Bismuth & Original Gem Character(s) (Steven Universe), Bismuth & Pearl (Steven Universe), Bismuth & Steven Universe, Garnet & Original Gem Character(s) (Steven Universe), Garnet & Steven Universe, Greg Universe & Steven Universe, Pearl & Original Gem Character(s) (Steven Universe), Pearl & Steven Universe, Pumpkin & Amethyst (Steven Universe), Pumpkin & Pearl (Steven Universe), Pumpkin & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Original Gem Character(s)
Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918204
Comments: 24
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

"I've been meaning to ask," Agate says suddenly one night as they relax in the living room. Amethyst and Tangerine are watching TV, Berry is curled up sleeping in Lemon Lime's lap, and Candy is cuddled up against the Peridot. Clementine isn't there - she'd stayed the night over at Kiki and Jenny's - and Sage is more or less occupied in the kitchen, helping Pearl clean up. Garnet sits beside Steven on the couch, the hybrid wedged in between her and Greg as he snuggles up against his sleeping father and kicks his legs up into Garnet's lap, content. He looks up, however, when Agate continues, turning away from the TV. "About the rebel gems. Specifically Melanite," she adds, a slightly sour look crossing her face, and Sage freezes. Tangerine does, too, snapping her gaze away from the television to look at Agate in surprise.

Steven looks at Agate for a moment, somewhat startled by how suddenly the subject had come up, but he understands. Berry had mentioned they plan on going back when they were ready; everything had settled down quite a bit, and while he didn't believe they were ready just yet, he knew they knew it was time to prepare. Which meant gathering the information they needed.

Pearl turns back to them slowly, surprisingly tense, fists clenched at her sides as she hesitates. Garnet reaches up to adjust her visor as Steven slowly puts his legs down and sits up again. "Ah, right. Of course. Well, ah… Melanite was one of the first to join the rebellion. She was a Squadron leader back on Homeworld, in… in White Diamond's court. She actually approached Rose first." Pearl's gaze strays toward Steven for a moment as she speaks, grimacing at the way the hybrid lifts his head a little instinctively at the name, but she continues on carefully, "the gems under her command joined the rebellion along with her… Angel Quartz, Tiger's Eye, Candy Cane Jasper…" She stops again, folding her hands together in front of her mouth.

Steven makes a face as she lists off the gems they'd fought in the war. "Cherry Quartz, too?"

Pearl looks a mixture of surprised and unsettled. "You met her."

"I fought her," Steven admits, sitting up completely and crossing his arms in his lap. He looks toward Tangerine, catches the recognition flickering across her face. "In the battle. We came across that whole group - Angel, Tiger's Eye, Candy Cane, Cherry. We took care of them, but…" He trails off for a moment, frowning slightly. They'd long been rejuvenated, turned back into soldiers for Homeworld, fighting against the rebels now instead of for them. Funny how that worked, actually - Steven himself had been 'rejuvenated' in a way, hadn't he? "I never met Melanite, though. She was on a different battlefield, I guess - where Clementine and…"

"Mandarin," Tangerine finishes quietly when Steven hesitates too long, and the hybrid offers a slow nod in response. "I don't know what direction they went. Close to the Alpha Kindergarten," the Jasper recalls, pursing her lips and shaking her head. Steven nods slowly in response; he'd had to heal a lot of the soldiers that had been stationed to fight there. "Clem hasn't said anything about her, though. She doesn't like talking about it." She quiets for a second. "Can't blame her."

"Well, she's… she's very cold," Pearl murmurs. "She'll do whatever it takes to get what she wants. She doesn't care who she has to hurt to do it; she'll tear everything down for the sake of…" She stops, looking toward Garnet, who inclines her head in a silent nod. "Getting her way."

"She and Rose got into an argument when Melanite suggested shattering Homeworld gems," Garnet cuts in. She frowns then, adjusting her visor. "... that was almost right after Bismuth…"

Steven perks up a little at that, snapping back to attention almost at once. Bismuth. The memories crash into him before he can prepare himself; he remembers when he met her, he remembers when he poofed her, he remembers almost everything in between. He feels it, as it seems to snap into place, another piece of the puzzle that he'd been missing. He remembers arguing with her about shattering the Diamonds _("I'm sorry, Bismuth, but it's not right!")_ and he remembers what she'd said in response, how she'd reacted, how her expression had shifted in nearly an instant the moment the words left his lips. _("That's exactly what she said. That's exactly what_ _ **you**_ _said.")_ He remembers, and his heart aches in response. He _remembers_.

_("Then you really are better than her.")_

"Bismuth…" He hadn't meant to say it aloud, but he doesn't really try to silence himself either. The other gems pause, turning back to him, and Garnet frowns as she reaches for him. He allows her to pull him closer to her, sinking against her side and closing his eyes for a moment. He breathes in, slowly, trying to compose himself. "You mean after Rose bubbled her, right?"

"I… yes," Pearl answers, albeit hesitantly. "After she… she disappeared." A moment of silence passes while Steven just nods, forcing his eyes open as he processes that. Then, taking a deep breath and crossing forward to step around the counter, Pearl continues cautiously, reluctantly, "Bismuth was one of the gems under Melanite's command, part of her construction force. Supposedly she was the reason Melanite had even heard about the Crystal Gems, earlier on in the rebellion, before anyone really knew who we…" The pale gem trails off for a moment, shaking her head and looking toward Garnet again. Steven just stares for a few seconds, stunned into silence by that particular piece of information. But then it clicks. It makes sense.

Bismuth had been so eager to shatter the Diamonds, to use the Breaking Point. She hadn't said anything about shattering innocent gems; her focus had been completely fixed on the Diamonds - on _Pink_ \- from the moment they'd started talking in the forge. "Bismuth was…" He can't finish, he doesn't know what to say. His gaze trails toward the temple door for a moment, remembering the brief glimpse of the bubble room Star Ruby had gotten. That was where she was now, Bismuth; bubbled away with the corrupted gems. And she knew all about the rebellion, and about Melanite, the _leader._ He knew she wanted to shatter the Diamonds, but he can't help but wonder how much of that had been Melanite's influence, and if maybe he had another chance to talk to her, to sort things out and actually establish _communication_ , maybe he'd get through to her. Maybe he could convince her that this isn't right, that shattering innocent gems isn't the answer. Homeworld's problems lie with the Diamonds - he's sure she'd at least agree on that.

"Then," he begins, and falters. "Then she knows, right? She knows all about Melanite."

Pearl and Garnet pause, seeming to realize where he's headed with that, because it doesn't take long for Pearl's expression to rapidly shift into concern, moving forward toward the hybrid. "Oh, Steven- I don't know, I mean, after she attacked you… after all of that, I don't think it's…"

"But that was just a misunderstanding," Steven insists, looking up again. Pearl frowns, coming to a stop again and exchanging a concerned look with Garnet and Amethyst now. "Failure to communicate, that's all. I was trying to talk and she wasn't listening. But maybe she'll listen now." He sits up a little more, resting his hands over his knees and looking back to the temple door with a frown. "Her problem was the Diamonds. She didn't say anything about shattering innocent gems. I think if I can just talk to her… tell her what Rose did, and what all of this has turned into, maybe she'll actually listen to me this time. Maybe I can get her to tell us about her." Nobody seems to have a proper argument for that. Pearl exchanges another look with Garnet and Amethyst, but this time her expression had softened, concern replaced with something akin to hope. Garnet reached up to poof her visor away, looking contemplative, and while Amethyst still looked a little iffy about it, she also had a somewhat fond smile tugging at her lips now.

"Steven's right," Garnet declares eventually. "It's worth a shot." She looks at Pearl and Amethyst, who each nod in turn, and then turns her attention back to the other gems. Sage and Agate nod almost immediately, though Tangerine, to Steven's surprise, seems to hesitate somewhat before she offers her own agreement. He gazes at her for a moment, trying to catch her gaze, but her eyes are rooted to the television once again, watching the colors dance across the screen. After a moment, Steven turns to get up, but Garnet stops him. "Ah, not tonight."

"Right. It's bedtime," Pearl chimes, and the hybrid sighs, looking toward the temple door again, but he nods and turns away with a frown. "There'll be plenty of time to do this in the morning."

Steven nods again, opening his mouth and hesitating. "I don't think I should talk to her alone."

"Then we'll be right there with you," Garnet promises, resting a hand on his shoulder. Steven relaxes, leaning into the touch. It's not that he's scared; he knows he can handle himself against Bismuth, especially now. But he also knows maybe having Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl there to back him up might make it a little easier to get through to her. At the very least, it might be enough to make her stop and listen to him. He doesn't want them there for defense - just for support. "Now, up and off to bed with you, Steven Quartz Cutie Pie Universe. Goodnight."

Steven can't help but giggle a little as he steps around the coffee table, toward Pearl, who reaches out to wrap an arm around him and lead him up the stairs. "Goodnight, guys."

"Goodnight," Amethyst calls, and the others chime in.

"Goodnight, Steven." Pearl presses a kiss to his head as they reach the top of the stairs, and he smiles as he leans into the touch, closing his eyes with a soft, content sigh. "Sweet dreams."

* * *

The next morning is spent making preparations. While most of the gems retreat to the training arena, and Berry heads off to keep working on Lemon Lime's weapon, Steven busies himself with showering, eating, and polishing Peridot's gem until it's finally time to head to the bubble room. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl are right there with him as he approaches the door, and Garnet steps forward to open it, gems pulsing as she raises her hands toward it. The red and blue gems embedded into the star on the door glow as well, and the door opens to show the room in front of them. The heat catches him off guard for a moment, until he sees the lava, but his gaze doesn't focus on that for too long. It trails upwards toward the bubbles instead, and he can't help but tense a little. Garnet and Amethyst enter before them, but Pearl stays beside him. "You don't have to go in if you don't want to, Steven. Maybe we can talk to her…"

"No," Steven interrupts quickly, clearing his throat and shaking his head. "No, it's okay." He braces himself to walk inside, biting his lip and fighting past a wave of nausea. He doesn't know why this is so hard for him, why it unsettles him the way that it does. He can't shake the feeling of unease rapidly stirring in his gut, but he doesn't attempt to. He doesn't stifle it, doesn't ignore it. He accepts it, letting it wash over him until it dulls into something a little more tolerable, while Amethyst jumps up to retrieve Bismuth's bubbled gem from the ceiling, dropping back down and holding it carefully, close to her chest, before holding it out to Garnet - who gives it to Steven.

He looks up at her in surprise as he takes it, and she only smiles softly back at him in response, reaching up to adjust her visor before leaning back and nodding. "It was your idea. Go for it." The other two nod in agreement, retreating back to Garnet's sides, and Steven takes a breath. He looks back down at the bubble in his hands, the gem resting inside. Braces himself for whatever might happen now, whatever she might do, or whatever she might say. He's ready, just about, for anything, or at least, he hopes that he is. It still takes him a moment for his fingers to work, for him to be able to apply enough pressure to squeeze the bubble tight enough to pop it. The gem falls into his hands, and unlike Peridot's, it's warm and practically buzzing with life. The heat fills his palms, spreading like liquid to his fingertips. It startles him enough that he doesn't put it down until it starts glowing; he's quick, but careful, to lower it to the ground then, and takes position beside the others, wide-eyed as he watches the gem rise up and reform.

He winces a little as she crashes, unceremoniously, onto her stomach, but she seems mostly unharmed as she heaves herself up and brushes her hair out of her face with a groan. She's slow to process everything at the moment, much less them; his heart twists as he watches her look herself over, watches her eyes widen as she realizes what just happened. "I'm back…?" She looks up, and freezes, catching sight of them - then her gaze darts down to Steven. " _Rose?"_ She utters at once, shocked, then gasps. "I mean- _Steven?_ What happened to you?"

"A lot." Steven hesitates for a second, torn, then takes a cautious step forward. None of the gems try to stop him, but they do move forward a little with him. "Welcome back, Bismuth."

"Why would you…" Bismuth stares at him, then the gems, then him again. She still hasn't picked herself up off of the floor yet, still hasn't moved an inch since she saw them. Her gaze lowers back to Steven, and freezes on him again. "Why would you let me out? I tried to shatter you."

Steven can't help but smile a little then. "What, like you're the only one?"

Bismuth blinks, looking stunned for a moment, as Steven takes another step forward and extends a hand to her. Her own hand twitches in response, raising as if to accept his help, though her expression is quizzical, confused. Her gaze lifts again then, back to the gems - and then trails up, and up, until her gaze rests on the bubbles. He withdraws his hand quickly as she sucks in a gasp and reels back, away from him. "What's… what's goin' on?" Her voice shakes a little, as the shock written across her face quickly fizzles out to anger. "Did… did Rose do this?" Her head whips around to stare at him again, eyes blazing with fury, and Steven steps back despite himself, tense, as she slams her fists into the floor and finally manages to heave herself up to her feet, looking absolutely furious. "Did she bubble _everyone_ who disagreed with her?!"

"No," Steven rushes to explain, mouth abruptly going dry. "No, it's not like that. Bismuth-"

"It wasn't Rose," Pearl cuts in, and Bismuth freezes. "They're corrupted."

The rainbow-haired gem stares at them for a moment, shocked, then looks back up at the bubbles. She doesn't move again, but her voice quiets a little as she speaks. "Corrupted?"

"Those gems… they're not the same," Steven begins carefully. He doesn't approach again, doesn't know if he has the courage to now. He's a little shakier than he expected to be; his legs tremble with the effort it takes to hold himself up, and his hands even shake a little as he drops them back to his sides and clenches his fists, trying to get them to stop. "They're not themselves anymore. They're like… they're like wild, rabid animals," he adds, hoping she'll understand. She seems to, if the way her horrified look intensifies is any indication. She looks at him, then back toward the bubble gems, and he watches, heart aching, as a flicker of grief crosses her face.

"Only a Diamond could do damage like that," the gem whispers. Her expression drops again, a cold look crossing her face as she lowers her gaze back to them. He notices Pearl twitches a little in response as Bismuth's dark gaze falls onto them, nothing but anger in her eyes now, but Garnet and Amethyst remain stoic. "It was Pink, wasn't it? Why didn't Rose stop her?" Bismuth snarls, clenching her fists and ducking her head. Steven falters at that, watching the tears well up in the corners of her eyes, threatening to escape. He braves another step forward, tense.

"She did."

Bismuth freezes again and blinks her eyes open, blinking the tears back. "What?"

"Rose shattered Pink Diamond." Steven pauses, taking a deep breath as Bismuth lifts her gaze back to him. Her mouth opens, but not a single sound comes out. "We can explain everything."

Cautious, wary, but intrigued, Bismuth allows them to lead her back to the house. Steven sits with Greg when he gets back from the car wash, and the two of them watch Lonely Blade on and off with Amethyst while Pearl and Garnet explain the situation to Bismuth. Steven, admittedly, doesn't pay much attention to the cartoon, more or less watching intently for the rainbow-haired gem's reaction to the events that had transpired since her poofing - both times. She still seems more shaken up about the fact that Rose Quartz shattered Pink Diamond after all, but she's even more shocked when Pearl reveals that Melanite is leading another rebellion. That's when Steven steps in, because he knows more about what's going on on Homeworld.

"-it's really bad, Bismuth. They're shattering gems - innocent gems. It's not like Rose's rebellion, and they're not like the Crystal Gems. Everything they're doing is wrong." He doesn't know how much he needs to drive that point home for her, because her expression is mostly blank by the time he finishes his explanation. Her eyes never leave him, even when he stops speaking, but he can practically see the gears turning in her head. There's still echoes of surprise in her gaze, but he watches as that rapidly diminishes as well, replaced with something more akin to dismay.

"It was never supposed to be like that," she murmurs, looking out the window. She continues to stare for a while, just watching the sky, then turns her head. "And here I thought all our problems would go away if we could just shatter a Diamond. Rose ended up taking my advice, but it's just as bad now, isn't it?" She adds bitterly. Steven frowns at her in response, but his gaze trails over to Pearl when her mouth suddenly opens, and then closes again. Her hands raise, folding over her mouth carefully, almost absently. The hybrid can't help but stare, somewhat confused, but his attention is drawn back to Bismuth rather quickly when the rainbow-haired gem suddenly stands up. "It was Melanite's idea to go after the Diamonds in the first place. She wanted to dismantle Homeworld completely, liberate _every_ gem stuck under the Diamonds' command. She didn't just want to shatter them, she wanted to destroy Homeworld completely." Bismuth pauses then, narrowing her eyes, and turns to pace across the floor. "But now she's just shattering gems left and right… it doesn't make any sense. She wanted to free them. Now it's like she's…"

She doesn't finish, and nobody says anything for a while after that. Steven watches Bismuth for a moment, then looks back toward the warp pad, furrowing his eyebrows silently as he thinks. _Destroy Homeworld. She wants to destroy Homeworld._ The thought makes his heart drop straight to his stomach, nausea rolling through his gut. It hurts him, scares him more than he wants to admit. A part of him hates how easily he'd grown to see Homeworld as his home; even now, even as he's trying so hard to break past that, he can't quite shake that feeling just yet.

"So where is she now?" Bismuth finally asks, turning to them. "I mean, have you… seen her?"

"No," Steven replies quietly, turning his gaze back to her with a frown. "I haven't, I mean. My friend, Clementine, she saw her in the battle when… when she shattered my other friend Mandarin and…" He stops then, clenching his teeth and swallowing and pushing past the grief pounding at the inside of his chest. "But she's still out there in space. She just led a direct attack against Homeworld a few weeks ago. That's when the rest of us managed to escape."

Bismuth looked stunned again at that. "A direct attack?" She stops pacing for a second, lifting her hand to her mouth for a moment. Then she mumbles, "she's gonna do it. She's gonna shatter the rest of the Diamonds. She wouldn't attack Homeworld if she didn't have a plan…"

"But-" Pearl covers her own mouth again, this time with the back of her hand. "Can she even-?"

"She certainly has the tools for it," Bismuth mutters. She doesn't elaborate, but she doesn't need to. He sees the shift in her expression, sees the look that flashes through her eyes, the recognition. He remembers the weapon she had presented him with, a big, blocky, sharp object. The Breaking Point. He remembers how eager she'd been to show it to him, how excited she'd been when she told him about it, demonstrated what it could do, given it to him as a weapon to use, told him _(one shot from this baby will shatter any gem in the galaxy in the blink of an eye)._ She meets his gaze, and she doesn't have to say anything for him to know what she means.

"A Breaking Point." His mouth feels even drier now. Despite himself, despite everything he has against Blue Diamond, his heart still jumps right up to his throat. "She has a Breaking Point."


	2. Chapter 2

"A Breaking Point is probably one of the most dangerous gem weapons out there. I should know, I made both of them myself. One hit from one of those can shatter any gem in an instant."

Steven knows. He remembers how terrified he'd been, watching Bismuth demonstrate how to use the one she'd shown him. Back when he'd destroyed it, when they'd met, he'd been under the impression that it was the only one she'd made - now to find out there were more sent him reeling, but he did note the choice of words the rainbow-haired gem used. She made _both_ of them herself. Which meant, thank the stars, there were only two. But it still didn't change the fact that one of the most dangerous gem weapons out there had fallen into the hands of a ruthless rebel who wanted to destroy Homeworld and the Diamonds and was willing to tear down everything that stood in her path just to do so. He frowns a little as he leans forward, arms crossed over his lap. The other gems sit with him, at full attention now as Bismuth explains. "Both of them," he echoes slowly. "So that means there were only two, and now Melanite…"

"Has the only one left." Bismuth pauses then, turning back to him. "Unless… what did you-"

"I destroyed it," Steven murmurs, not having to wait for her to finish that. His stomach twists at the disappointed look that flashes across her face, but he pushes past that for the time being. There would be plenty of time to focus on her shard-thirsty attitude later. "But that weapon, it's… it's capable of shattering a Diamond? Even a Diamond as strong as Blue Diamond, or Yellow?"

"Steven, a Breaking Point would be capable of shattering _White_ Diamond, if Melanite could get close enough for her to use it," Bismuth replies at once, her lips tugging upwards at the corners in a briefly proud smirk. The other gems don't seem nearly as impressed - much less Sage and Agate, who, sitting at the counter, looked about ready to poof from the amount of sheer horror written across their faces. Sage herself looked like she was ready to get up and attack Bismuth herself, but Agate's hand on her shoulder kept her rooted where she sat. Bismuth turns away from them then and paces toward the warp pad, her smile dissolving into a frown once more.

"So what now?" Berry finally asks the big question after a few seconds, and all eyes turn to her. Her own gaze is rooted straight to Sage and Agate, both of which remain silent, just staring. Steven keeps his eyes on Berry for a moment, taking his gaze over her face as he scrutinizes her expression, a frighteningly blank look he knows means she's thinking, planning. For a moment, he can't help but wonder, wonder what she's getting at, because she seems to know exactly what the 'what now' should be, yet she's oddly quiet for a few more moments before she finally lifts her gaze away from Sage and Agate and turns to the rest of them. "You said it yourself." She inclines her head toward Bismuth. "She wants to destroy Homeworld completely. And she obviously doesn't care who stands in her way anymore. So what do we do now?"

Nobody responds at first. Steven sits back, while Sage purses her lips and looks down at her hands, clenched tightly against her thighs, before she finally murmurs, "I have to go back."

"What?" Candy sounds appalled, stunned. "No!"

Steven looks up, wide-eyed with surprise as he stares at Sage, but it doesn't take him long to understand when she lifts her gaze and continues quietly, "that's my home. That's my _Diamond._ I can't just sit here and do nothing, knowing what I know now." She pauses for a moment, pursing her lips again in a frown. Agate is frighteningly quiet beside her, but her expression had shifted into something unreadable. And Steven… Steven understands. He understands instantly. Sage is right; that's her home, that's her planet, that's her Diamond. He'd wanted to go back and fight, himself, before his memories had returned, before whatever twisted loyalty he had for Blue Diamond had been stamped out into rage. But then, the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes maybe his loyalties had never really lied with her, but Homeworld itself. Because even now, even with everything that had happened, he feels it. Deep in his gem, deep in his very soul, his very being, the desire to go and fight with them, bring the rebels to justice.

"Sage is right," Agate finally says, and Steven ducks his head low, chin to his chest, and squeezes his eyes shut. Something buzzes through him, veins shivering, blood boiling. Something he does his best to stifle, because he'd promised himself. He'd promised himself he wasn't going to do this, he wasn't going to go back, wasn't going to walk right back into the enemy's clutches. This was Homeworld's fight, not his. And yet he still can't ignore the overwhelming urge to join them again, to reclaim his role as a soldier, to draw his scythe and fight as hard and as long as he can for the home and the friends that he'd made on that planet. "This is information that could help us bring the rebels to justice. The Diamonds need to be prepared to face what they're really up against, especially if Melanite and this Breaking Point are as dangerous as you say they are. And if you're going," she adds, turning to Sage again. "Then I'm going."

Sage offers a small, grateful smile in response, but it dissolves back into a frown as she looks away again. She's worried, he knows, worried for her Diamond. She'd expressed her affections for Yellow many times in the time he'd known her, admitting that she was her favorite thing about Homeworld, admitting that she'd die for her, admitting that what she feels for her Diamond is much more than just a soldier to her leader. Their bond runs deep, and he wouldn't expect, for even a moment, for her to be able to stay out of this. Truthfully, he's surprised she even joined them in the escape to begin with. "Then we need to prepare to return. We can't wait too long."

"Sage…" Candy trails off, looking torn, unsure. Sage stops her, shaking her head slightly at the Pearl and allowing her features to soften into a gentle, albeit somewhat strained smile.

"It's alright, my Pearl. You're welcome to stay."

Agate's gaze trails, singling Steven out from the others, and the hybrid straightens up a little instinctively when his eyes meet hers. She stares at him for a moment, that unreadable expression still written across her face. He feels it again, that pull, that drive, and for a moment, he wonders if she _wants_ him to come along with them, to join them, go back to Homeworld. And he hates, with every fiber of his being, every facet in his gem, the fact that he almost wants to. The fact that if she asked him, he'd be willing to, in a second, jump up and return with them. But she doesn't ask. She doesn't order. She just looks away again. "Let's go get ready then. Berry?"

Berry stares at them for a few moments before abruptly snapping back to attention. For a moment, Lemon Lime looks anxious - and Steven _feels_ anxious - but Berry only says, "right. I'll get the ship ready. Guess I'm setting up my new lab somewhere else," the Ruby grunts, somewhat begrudgingly, as she pushes herself up off of the couch and heads to the warp pad. Steven twitches slightly, initially suppressing his desire to follow her, only to do so anyway. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl don't try to stop him, don't call after him, but they exchange concerned looks between them as Steven steps onto the warp pad with the Ruby - who, to her credit, doesn't look at all confused by why he's joining her, or by the way he jerks his shoulders back and runs his tongue over his lips and tries to calm the shudder that runs through him, images and visions of going into war again, of fighting, of explosions, and gem shards, and poofing, and weapons and screams. She doesn't say a word, activating the warp pad silently.

He doesn't speak for a while, a bundle of nerves, a mess of anxiety and self-loathing, hating himself with each passing second he just wants to get out there and fight. He doesn't know what to say, he has absolutely no idea where to begin. He can't help but wonder if she feels the same, if it's some kind of soldier instinct, or if it's just him, if it's just his broken, fucked up brain, if it's just all that brainwashing and manipulation and trauma he'd gone through making him want to throw himself right back into the fight again and again and again. But she's so calm, she's so quiet, she's so unbothered. Steven wishes she'd say something, but she's dead silent.

In the end, he's the one that has to break the silence as they land on the warp pad. The sight of the strawberry battlefield makes him freeze, but only for a few seconds before he has to move in order to follow after Berry when she steps off and heads for the ship without waiting for him to follow. "So you…" The words feel all wrong, sound all wrong. "You're not going back to fight?"

"Why would I?" Berry frowns, not looking at him as she presses her hand to the panel. The door hisses open instantly, and she wastes no time ducking inside; he follows slowly, still shaking.

Steven shakes his head, desperate, but not confused. "Be- Because it's Homeworld? It's…"

Berry stops for a second, but she still doesn't look back at him. Her gaze snaps around the ship in rapid motions, and she mumbles, "close your eyes." He does as instructed, albeit reluctantly, and hears her footsteps fade as she walks away from him. "And anyway, I know it's Homeworld. I also know that Sage and Agate are more than capable of relaying a message, and I know that I've fought in enough wars in my lifetime to know that there's nothing I can do right now. It is my home planet, but it's not my home." There's a pause and some shuffling before she adds, albeit somewhat reluctantly, "and this isn't my war to fight, not anymore, not right now. No, I'm not going. I'm going to stay here, and prepare with the rest of you for when this is over and the Diamonds come for _us._ You can open your eyes now, by the way." He blinks them open, silent.

"Berry, I…" He stops himself, mouth running dry. He wants to tell her, knows on some level she might understand, or at least make an attempt to, but he can't spit the words out just yet. It makes it feel too real, makes what he's _feeling_ too real, and he doesn't think he's ready for that.

She doesn't ask him to. She finally looks back, glancing at him over her shoulder. "I know." She pauses then, pressing her mouth into a thin line, and sighs. "… come help me, would you?"

More than happy for the distraction, he does.

* * *

But still, he can't shake that feeling. It lingers, sticks to him like a parasite, sucking his energy away until the only thing he can feel is the energy coursing through his veins and the desperate need to fight. He takes his frustrations out on a few holo-Pearls in the training arena later when he and Berry go to tell Tangerine and Clementine the news, and they don't seem too happy either. Tangerine at first looks about as torn as Candy had seemed, but Clementine goes deathly silent all of a sudden, diminishing her mallet and retreating to the warp pad without a word. They all stay still for a few seconds after that, and Tangerine meets Steven's gaze briefly with _that_ expression on her face, _that_ feeling flickering through her eyes, and he feels some relief, some gratitude upon knowing he's not the only one, only for it to be replaced by sympathy and pain for his friend, because, _stars_ , knowing what the rebels had done to her and Clementine personally can't make what she's feeling any better than what he is. It really is soldier's instinct.

(A part of him feels even worse knowing that Tangerine would have jumped at any other chance to fight, would have thrown herself right into battle the moment the opportunity presented itself. Now she stands in front of him looking lost, looking uncertain, looking for all the world like just another gem trapped under the Diamonds' command, in a way he's never seen her before.)

She gazes at him for a moment longer with that lost expression on her face, a vulnerability he doesn't think he'd seen, even when Mandarin had been shattered. He doesn't know what to say. He wishes there was something, anything he could say to make it better, but he knows there isn't. There's just sorrow and grief, anger and sadness, confusion and indecision. And he knows how hard this must be for her, to have the chance to fight against the gems that had killed one of her best friends, to bring justice for Mandarin. And he's facing the same dilemma. He wants to fight for her, too. He wants to defeat the rebels and end this. But he's afraid to return, and he's afraid of what will happen - to Homeworld, to his friends, to his family, to _him_ \- if he does.

But Berry's right, and he knows she's right. There's nothing they can do right now. Sage and Agate need to do this on their own. Maybe one day, he wonders to himself, maybe one day he'll be able to return, one day when he's in a better headspace, one day when it isn't a choice as a _soldier_ , but a choice as himself, as Steven, as Steven Quartz Cutie Pie Universe. A choice he makes because he's ready to make it. A choice he makes for him. A choice he _wants_ to make.

There are so many things he wants, and he _wants._ He wants to go back. He wants to fight. But he's a child, he's fourteen years old, and this isn't his battle to fight, and it isn't his war to win.

 _You're a soldier,_ the nagging voice in his head that sounds like Blue Diamond sneers. _Nothing-_

He cuts it off, shuts it down. There's no use arguing with himself, and so he doesn't, but he does ignore that voice, and he does ignore the words, and steadily reminds himself that he is a child, one that cannot bear responsibility for the universe, for a planet ruled by gems that want him dead. He has friends and family he's made on Homeworld, and when they need him, he will come. But they're not asking him to march back to Homeworld with them now. They brought him here, here where it's safe, here where he can step back, take a better look at the situation, and decide what _he_ wants to do about it. That's what he's going to do. That's what he needs to do.

"What're you gonna do?" He asks Tangerine suddenly, and she turns away from one of the holo-Pearls and stares at him for a moment, a startlingly blank expression on her face.

"I dunno," she responds, but she doesn't look at him, and Steven knows it's a lie.

* * *

Clementine is quicker to open up to him.

He meets her out on the beach, watching the waves. It's sunset, and almost everybody else is inside now, save for Berry, and Bismuth, who had ended up dragging the smaller gem off to her forge once she saw all the tools and weapon-making materials the Ruby had brought from the ship. He figures they'd be pretty good friends; he knows Berry had loved Pink Diamond, and he knows Bismuth had been more than happy to _shatter_ Pink Diamond if she'd been given the chance, but he also knows Berry's capable of seeing all sides of a situation. She'd stated that she understood why Rose Quartz had done what she did, despite her attachment to Pink. He knows her well enough to know any hatred for the Diamonds won't be taken personally to her.

"Hey," he greets Clementine quietly as he approaches, and she looks up at him briefly, then returns her gaze to the ocean. He settles down into the sand beside her and crosses his legs, leaning back and using his hands to prop himself up a little. "Are you gonna go and fight?"

Clementine doesn't reply immediately. She purses her lips into a faint frown, then drops her gaze from the ocean to the sand. She scrapes her fingers across it briefly, orange over pale yellow, and scoops up a few specks; shrugging in his direction, seemingly the only thing she can muster for a while, she simply heaves out a sigh and looks away again. It takes her longer than Steven would have expected, long enough to worry him, for her to be able to find her voice. "You know, I want to? It's a battle, and I'm supposed to fight, right? That's what Quartzes do."

His heart aches for her, for _them_. It's not fair. None of this is fair. "Yeah, that's pretty much…" He trails off, not bothering to finish. She knows. She gets it. She's feeling exactly what he's feeling.

"It's stupid, isn't it?" She asks him after a few seconds, her soft tone turning bitter.

"I don't think it's stupid," Steven admits quietly. "I feel the same way."

Clementine glances at him then, and seems to soften again. Her gaze trails back to the ocean, and Steven follows it, watching the colors dance across the water as it moves. "I should want to fight. Shards, I shouldn't just _want_ to, it shouldn't even be a question of whether to go or not. These are the gems that- that-" She can't say it, and Steven doesn't finish it for her either. He knows, he gets it, there's no elaboration necessary. "But I can't bring myself to want to go at all. I just want to stay here and not do anything. I just want it to be over. I just… I'm just tired, that's all. I'm just…" Her eyes fall shut, a pained expression spasming across her face. He looks over at her again, heart aching as he watches the Jasper. "I'm just so tired. I don't think I can do it."

"And you don't have to," Steven reminds her quietly, biting the inside of his cheek. She tilts her head back, a rush of air blowing her hair back a bit. Steven waits for a few seconds, then reaches out and rests a hand over her arm, offering a light squeeze. She turns her head in his direction slightly, but doesn't look at him again yet. "It's your choice to stay here. Just like it's _my_ choice to stay here. We don't have to fight. We don't have to fight when we're not _ready_ to fight."

"Yeah." Clementine pauses, clenching her teeth and swallowing hard. "I'm not ready, Quartzy."

"That's okay," he assures her in response, heart twisting. "I'm not ready either. I thought I would be," he admits, and she looks back over at him then. He swallows and continues, hesitantly, "I thought when the time came, I'd be ready to go back, and fight. And you know, I really want to. But I don't. Not… not right now. Not like _this_. I want to fight for everything, and everyone, and you and Homeworld and the Crystal Gems and myself and… and- and Lapis and Mandarin…" His chest shudders, breath hitching as he inhales. Clementine goes rigid under his grip, tears immediately rising to the corners of her eyes, but she doesn't pull away from him just yet. "But I'm tired, too. And I know letting them handle the war is the best idea right now. I still want to," he quiets slightly for a few seconds, taking another breath. "But I can't. I can't do it right now."

Clementine only nods. She looks down at him with nothing but pain and understanding in her eyes for a moment, then flicks her gaze away and stares out toward the ocean. "Is Tangy…?"

"I don't know." Steven stays silent for a moment longer, than admits reluctantly, "I think so."

Clementine doesn't reply. She inhales, and her whole body shudders. Then she sinks sideways, leaning against him, and Steven moves closer until his head rests on the Jasper's shoulder. They don't move from that position until Pearl calls Steven inside for bedtime.

_(It isn't fair, but life seldom is.)_


	3. Chapter 3

The house sleeps, the moon sleeps, the sky sleeps, the gems sleep.

But the Earth doesn't sleep, Steven realizes, the Earth never sleeps. No, the Earth feels awake, _is_ awake, buzzing frantic with energy. The same kind of energy he feels coursing through his veins now as he stares at the ceiling. Tonight is Agate and Sage's (and maybe even Tangerine's) last night on Earth. Tomorrow, they return to Homeworld. His stomach twists at the thought, dread pooling like boiling water in his gut. His nerves are shot, frayed, shredded. He's made his choice, come to a decision, but he still finds himself second-guessing that decision. There's so much doubt plaguing his mind, so much anxiety and worry, so many feelings for a place he'd learned to think of as his home - been forced to think of as his home - that he knows he shouldn't have, and yet he does. It's such a sticky, toxic feeling. It makes him feel like… like he needs another shower, as if, if he scrubs hard enough, he can wash it all down the drain.

The Earth doesn't sleep, and tonight, nor does Steven. He is still while the Earth continues to move, and yet the both of them are trapped in this moment in time as time itself stands still, and the world is frozen in a silent night that will not stretch forever, but will feel like forever to end.

Tonight is one of those nights where the quiet is unbearable, as Steven finds himself trapped in a memory of cold white walls and flickering lights, an earring's chime and Blue Diamond's voice.

His heart aches with longing.

Yeah, there's no way he's sleeping tonight.

He moves from his bed, though it feels wrong to get up, to disrupt the silence and stillness of the Earth. But he can't stay in here for much longer; it's suffocating, and _too_ quiet and _too_ steady and he can't lose himself in his thoughts tonight. It's a dangerous thing, for him, thinking too much. Now and again he knows he can't help it, his mind is constantly moving after all, but just tonight he knows it'd be better if he doesn't think too far this time. He doesn't want to give himself a chance to talk himself out of his decision, doesn't want to give himself a chance to make the choice to go after all. And with his resolve already wavering, standing broken and unsteady, he knows if he lets his thoughts trail freely, he'll be boarding that ship come morning.

Steven can't let that happen, so he moves. He walks down the stairs, careful and quiet, trying not to disturb the gems and his father, fast asleep. Greg is on the couch as per usual, Berry is once again snoozing in Lemon Lime's lap, Candy has her head resting over the Ruby's stomach and her fingers intertwined with Lemon Lime's mechanical ones as they sleep. Tangerine and Clementine are curled up beside one another, and Sage and Agate rest on their stomachs only a few feet away from them. Amethyst is curled up in cat-form, and her tail is tucked over a snoring Pumpkin, sprawled out on her side against the purple Quartz's belly. Pearl and Garnet aren't there; they rarely sleep, if at all, and Pearl had already told him before she'd kissed him goodnight that they were going out on a mission, and they'd be back in the morning, and Amethyst was there if he needed her. It occurs to Steven a little too late that there's someone missing from the peaceful scene, however, as he takes another look around. Bismuth is gone.

He stares at the warp pad for a moment, not taking long to realize where she may have gone.

The hybrid hesitates, picking his way over. He's unsurprised by the way Pumpkin shifts when he approaches the warp pad - always such a light sleeper, that creature - but when Amethyst snorts and jolts awake, he can't help but freeze for a second. With thoughts of Homeworld lingering in his mind, he takes a little longer to relax and remind himself that it's okay, that he's not 'sneaking away', that he's free to come and go if he wants to, and that Amethyst, more than anyone else, would understand that. But a lot of his initial fear had faded by the time she'd made her way to her paws and, without shifting back, trotted over to join him at the warp pad. Her eyelids are drooping, face slack, fur puffed from sleep she doesn't quite need. "You 'kay?"

Steven, admittedly, has to resist the urge to reach down and pet her. "I'm okay," he assures in a quiet whisper, reaching down to pet Pumpkin instead, who was right on Amethyst's heels now. "D'you know where Bismuth is? I was gonna go see if she was in her forge, since she's not…" He stops, jaws stretching wide in a yawn. Amethyst offers him a knowing look and sits down, tail curling around her paws as she looks away from him and sweeps her gaze around the room.

"Ah… nope. She was here when I conked out." Lifting a front paw to scratch at her ear, Amethyst turns back to him with a curious look, and a somewhat concerned expression flickering through her inquisitive eyes. "You want me to come check it out with you, dude?" she offers, and he can't help but smile a little bit at her despite himself. He was more apprehensive around Bismuth than he had expected. Such anxiety, he knows, is a product of what had happened between them so long ago. And while he also knows, rationally, that it's justified considering not much has changed since then between their conflicting senses of morality, he can't help but feel a little stupid. He knows he can take her on now easier than he did before - but most of his anxiety stems from the fact that he doesn't particularly want to _have_ to do so. Having Amethyst come along won't quite ease that particular fear, but he appreciates the offer.

"No, that's okay. I can handle her if…" He trails off and rolls his shoulders back, running his tongue over his lips. "I'm not scared to be around her, I'm just scared I'll have to poof her again. I'm hoping I'll be able to get through to her this time," he admits. "I know Pearl and Garnet like having her around, and they missed her. And I know you like her too," he adds, studying her.

Amethyst shrugs at that, standing up and stretching her front paws out with a yawn. "I mean, yeah, she's cool and all, but it's not your job to get through to her or anything, you know?"

"I know," Steven responds softly. "But it _is_ something I _want_ to do."

Amethyst sighs and smiles at him, nothing but fondness and understanding in her gaze. "Okay. If you're sure…" She trails off, looking toward the warp pad for a moment, then back at him. "Just be careful, alright?" She tells him firmly, and he smiles and nods, straightening up again.

"Rrr!" Pumpkin yips, nipping at his heels while Amethyst tries to shush her.

"I'll be careful," Steven promises, offering Pumpkin's side another gentle pat before he steps up onto the warp pad. The little creature jumps up and down a few times, huffing out quiet sounds that almost sounds like barking but quieter, and softer, until Amethyst manages to silence her. She waves her tail in a quick goodbye to Steven as the hybrid activates the warp pad, and he lifts a hand to wave back just before the stream shoots up around him and carries him away. He stills for a moment, floating with his arms up at his sides, and ends up lifting them a little higher. Then, slowly, he lowers them again and tilts his head back. He likes floating in the stream; it's a relaxing kind of feeling, especially at night, when the world just feels… gentle, and peaceful.

He makes his way to the forge, following the familiar path, and sure enough, Bismuth must be inside, because the entrance is wide open. He hesitates only briefly before he walks inside, rolling his shoulders back and lifting his head. Despite his anxiety, he's determined to face this. To face _her._ Maybe they can come to some kind of agreement, some kind of common ground, a truce of sorts. He's not sure. But he does know he still feels tense around her, on the fence, uncertain, and he doesn't want to feel that way anymore. He wants to be able to accept her.

He wants her to be able to accept him.

Still, he enters cautiously. He doesn't want to take her by surprise now - but he marvels over the many weapons he can see as he enters, the familiar sight of the forge, the lava. It's a lot like Berry's lab in some ways, but mostly just the weapons hanging up. Berry's tools are lying around, only half-organized as per the usual display he's used to seeing in her lab - albeit much less of a mess since there were quite a bit less tools. And just ahead, Bismuth stands at an anvil, her hand shifted into a giant mallet as she slams it down again and again to the burning slab of metal laid across it. He stays still for a moment, just watching, then slowly moves closer. "Bismuth?" He calls, and the rainbow-haired gem freezes for a moment, then turns to face him.

"Steven?" She regards him curiously, almost warily. "What're you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you," Steven admits, stepping around the tools. He's adamant not to look too closely at anything now, knowing Berry must have Lemon Lime's secret weapon somewhere. Bismuth blinks at that, raising her eyebrows, but he continues before she can ask about what, because he's not entirely sure of the answer. "Not about anything specific, you know, just talk." He hesitates again, pausing a good few feet away, and looks toward the lava for a moment.

"Oh." Bismuth pauses for a moment, mouth half-open as if she wants to say more, then snaps it shut again. She turns away from him, back to the anvil, before he can catch a proper glimpse of the expression on her face, and he can't help but frown a little as he looks back over toward her.

The silence stretches on for a moment, and Steven's uneasiness continues to grow as he watches her shift her hand back into a mallet and continue what she'd been doing. It's uncomfortable, he's uncomfortable. He struggles for a moment, thinking of what to say, then takes a deep breath and plunges in. "I know we… we're not exactly on good terms or anything."

Bismuth pauses again, glancing back, and quirks an eyebrow. "Seems like you did come to talk about something specific," she comments, pulling her arms back and shifting her hand back to normal again. He frowns a little at that, inclining his head with a sheepish look as she turns to face him again, and rolls his shoulders back. It takes most of his self-control not to step back and retreat away from her. Maybe he _is_ scared of her, a bit more than he gave himself credit for. "Look, I get it. Your whole 'no one deserves to be shattered' thing. But the Diamonds are _different._ I wouldn't expect you to understand. You spent some time there, but it's not the same. You don't know what it's like to be _made_ there, to be nothing more than just…"

"A soldier, and nothing else," Steven interrupts quietly, leveling his gaze with Bismuth's for a moment before looking away again. He quiets for a moment, curling his hands into fists briefly. "I didn't just spend some time there, Bismuth. I surrendered myself as a soldier, as Rose Quartz. As the gem that shattered Pink Diamond. And I had to face their fury for that. I had to face _Blue Diamond's_ fury, for a crime I didn't commit, for a choice that I made. That was my decision, but it was her decision to do the things she did. She hurt me. She sent me into battle, she let innocent gems get shattered, she-" He stops then, but just for a moment. It feels nice, he realizes numbly. Nice to say this aloud. Nice to admit it, to acknowledge it. His anger for Blue Diamond boils higher and higher with each word he speaks, each reminder of the things she'd done, but his fury reaches its peak when he forces himself to continue. "She shattered one of my best friends right in front of me. She _broke_ her… and she broke me. I lost my memories, I wouldn't have even come back to Earth if it weren't for my friends. But she had me, Bismuth. And for a while? Yeah, I did know what it was like. The pure, absolute loyalty, devotion based on fear. I'd have done everything she said without question because I believed that's what I was _made_ for."

She stares at him in silent shock as he finally sweeps his eyes toward her again, pinprick pupils meeting his surprisingly steady gaze. "So I do understand," he whispers. "Believe me, I do."

"Then…" Bismuth stares at him, astonished. "Then you agree with me. That the Diamonds-"

Steven shakes his head, cutting her off. "I don't."

"But why _not?"_ She steps toward him, and Steven retreats a few steps back instinctively. Luckily, such a reaction doesn't go unnoticed, because the gem freezes for a few seconds before moving back a little, herself, albeit somewhat reluctantly. "You just said it yourself, you understand. After everything the Diamonds did to you. After everything Blue Diamond did to you! You're really gonna stand there and tell me you believe she deserves to live after that?"

He hesitates for a moment, only to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say without risking another advance, or some kind of attack. "I'm telling you it's not up to me to decide what she deserves," he finally says. "Do I think she's worthy of redemption? That she can even change? No, I don't. I really, really don't," he confesses. "And even if I did, I wouldn't want anything to do with her. I wouldn't be able to trust her. I wouldn't be able to like her. But I don't believe in murder just for murder's sake, killing for revenge. And we don't have to shatter her to stop her."

"She shattered your friend," Bismuth retorts. "Have you thought about that?"

Steven can't stifle the fury that bubbles inside of him, nor can he keep his tone from sharpening when he responds, "and basing every one of my motives around grief and anger over what she did is going to make it better? Bring Lapis back? Bismuth, that's…" He falters a little, just for a moment. His hands clench further, nails digging deep into his palms as he ducks his head. His hair falls, curls bouncing in front of his face, tickling his skin. Even now, he feels the grief through the rage. He feels it crushing down on him, making his knees feel weak, making his eyes sting. And even still, his blood boils with rage for Blue Diamond, for what she'd done. But that doesn't stop him from continuing, and he means every word he says. "That's not the kind of life I want to live. That's the kind of life _she_ lives. Trapped in her grief, and her misery, and rage."

He stops, taking a breath, and admits, "yes. Yes, I've thought about it. Even now, I think about it. I think about what… what Lapis must have gone through, what she felt. And I think about how much I want Blue Diamond to feel the same way, to hurt just as much as she did. But that's not justice. That's revenge. And there are so many things…" His voice softens, but shakes slightly regardless, a product of the pain and fury building in his chest. "So many bad things she's done. And if killing her would fix any of it, then I'd gladly set aside my morals to do what I need to do. But her death would fix nothing. Not the countless gems she's killed, not the soldiers she let die in battle, not what she did to me, not even how angry I am. The only difference between killing her and bubbling her would be that you'd either have a gem or gem shards in your hands." He pauses, running his tongue over his lips, and looks up. "It'd still be over. She'd still be _gone_. Why does it matter how, if your only motive is making sure she can't hurt anyone else?"

"Exactly. Why does it matter?" Bismuth refutes. "Shattering her would _end_ it."

"Bubbling her would end it."

"Would it? How reliable is a bubble, really?" Bismuth questions, crossing her arms. Steven pauses, staring at her for a moment as she goes on. "And if that bubble falls into the wrong hands? If something happens, and she's able to reform? Would it be over then, Steven?" Before he can respond, before he can even open his mouth, she's already challenging, "and maybe you'd feel okay with it, but what about the other gems she's hurt? What about all of Homeworld? If there's even a slim chance that Blue Diamond - that _all_ of the Diamonds - could come back and take over and _enslave_ them again, do you truly believe they'd ever be able to move on?"

For the first time since the debate began, Steven freezes. He stares at her for a moment, taken aback by what she's implying, but more so taken aback by the way it actually makes him pause. Because she is right. It's still risky. Bismuth notices the pause, and goes in for the killing blow.

"I bet Rose never thought there'd be a chance I could come back either," she tells him coldly. "But I did. _You_ found me. So how reliable is a bubble, Steven?"

Steven stares at her for a moment, stunned by the argument, and stunned by the way the gears in his head had screeched to a full stop. They don't start back up again, not now. Now he just stares, stunned into silence. Bismuth stares back at him, just as quiet, before simply turning away and retreating back to the anvil. This time, when she shifts her hand into a mallet and continues pounding away, Steven isn't sure what to say. He doesn't know how to convince her. He doesn't even know what he's feeling at that moment, what his own thoughts on the situation are. Because they're both right - he knows that. He doesn't believe in shattering, even the Diamonds. Even with all his rage for Blue. But she's right. A bubble really isn't that reliable.

Then Bismuth pauses, mallet-hand mid-air, and adds, "and it wouldn't just be murder for murder's sake. It'd be saving every gem stuck under the Diamond's thumb the only way we can. Running and hiding isn't working. Constant, endless wars aren't working. Bubbling won't work. They don't have morals. Why should we let ours stand in the way of bringing them to justice?" She turns her head then, looking back at him. "If it was the only way, would you do it?"

Steven hesitates for only a moment before replying, quietly, "even if it was the only way, that shouldn't be my choice to make." And that alone is enough to render Bismuth silent again.

"Your friends are leaving tomorrow," she finally says.

Steven nods. "I know."

"You're not going?"

"No." Steven quiets again for a few seconds, shrugging. "Not yet." He turns away without waiting for a response, rubbing his eyes as he makes his way toward the exit again. He can't quite shake the feeling of loss that lingers as he leaves, the uncertainty and doubts plaguing his mind. He also can't stifle the disappointment weighing heavy in the pit of his stomach. "Goodnight."

But at least it ended better than last time.


	4. Chapter 4

Come morning, Steven's decision is still safe, his resolve wavering but unbroken.

Pearl and Garnet come back early. They hadn't found the gem they were looking for, but they don't tend to stay gone as long as they used to before everything happened with Homeworld. By the time they return, however, Steven is already up and making his own breakfast. He'd gotten a few hours of - luckily - dreamless sleep once he'd trudged back to his bed after his talk with Bismuth, and he'd woken up to find the gems all awake. Berry wasn't there; she'd gone to bring the ship around to the front of the house. Tangerine and Clementine sit at the counter, heads in their hands, while Amethyst shows Lemon Lime and Candy how to play one of the games on the console, and Agate and Sage stand near the door, ready to leave once Berry gets back. Bismuth is there now as well, sitting by the warp pad and curiously inspecting Pumpkin. Steven spares her a brief glance as he makes his way over to the kitchen to make himself some cereal.

It doesn't take long for Agate to approach him. "Listen," she begins, sliding into the stool across from him at the counter as he sets the bowl down to start eating. "I don't expect you to want to-"

"I can't go," Steven interrupts quietly. "I'm not going."

Agate merely inclines her head, giving him a _look_ , and he shuts up. "I don't expect you to want to," she says again, firmly. "This isn't your fight. But I don't want you beating yourself up over it the moment we leave the atmosphere. You're making the right call, staying behind, Steven." She pauses as he nods, scooping up a spoonful of cereal, and adds, "with that said, I do expect you to continue your training here. I don't know how Homeworld and Blue Diamond are going to react to our return, but-" She pauses, hesitating, and he understands. "You need to be careful."

" _You_ need to be careful," Steven objects, pointing his spoon at her. "You guys are the ones about to rush back in unprepared. We're here, we'll be fine. And if the rebels are giving the Diamonds as hard a time as we all think, then they're the last ones we need to worry about. But you need to watch your gems, okay? Because she's not gonna be happy when you get back…"

"Without you," Agate finishes, a dangerous look flashing through her eyes. "I'm aware."

Steven nods, looking past her when Greg stirs on the couch and sits up. "Morning," he calls to his father, receiving a sleepy mumble in response, as he scoops up another spoonful and takes a bite before he turns back to Agate. "But… yeah, we'll be careful. And I'll keep training, don't worry. I know it's not over." He might not be going back, might not be actively choosing to put himself in the middle of this war between the Diamonds and the rebels, but he still knows that he's already in a war of his own with Homeworld as it is. And he's waiting until it's his turn to face them again. He's waiting, so that when they come to him, he'll be ready to fight them this time. He'll be ready to fight _Blue_ this time. Fight for his planet, and fight for his freedom. "But," he starts, "but I'm not going back to them. If Blue wants me, then she'll have to come get me."

Agate smirks then, something akin to pride crossing her face as she crosses her arms over the counter and nods her approval. "That's what I like to hear. You give her a run for her gem."

"We all will." Steven meets her gaze levelly, an unspoken warning written across his face, and is satisfied when she nods in agreement. He falls silent as he continues to eat, finishing off half of the cereal before retreating back to the counter beside the fridge to set to work polishing Peridot's gem. That's when Garnet and Pearl warp back in, and Steven offers them a smile while Pumpkin immediately jumps out of Bismuth's lap and runs over to greet Pearl, who is quick to scoop the little creature up as she steps off the warp pad and walks to the kitchen. "Welcome back! How'd it go?"

"Well, we didn't find the gem," Pearl admits, putting Pumpkin on the counter.

"We'll head back out later," Garnet adds, while Amethyst pushes herself up and wanders over to them. Candy ends up retreating over to where Sage is, while Lemon Lime plays the game. Steven just hums, looking back down at Peridot's gem and continuing his task. He's not quite done when he hears the familiar rumble of the ship outside, but he's more than willing to continue what he's doing later. Once again, that feeling of dread settles into the pit of his stomach, and he's reminded that this could very well be the last time he sees Agate and Sage. They're marching right back into a war, almost immediately after escaping from Homeworld itself. He dreads Blue Diamond's reaction to their arrival, he hates what they'll be putting themselves into, but he knows why they're doing it. After all, he still wants to go with them, too.

"I suppose it's time," Sage murmurs, looking out the window.

Agate nods, taking a breath. Tangerine looks up at them briefly, then meets Steven's gaze.

He knows.

* * *

They retreat outside, one by one. Greg meets him by the door. "You okay?"

"I don't know," Steven admits, staring outside for a moment before turning back to his father. "I don't know," he says again, taking a deep breath. "I'm worried about them, but I get why they need to go. I just…" He doesn't finish, doesn't really want to. He's okay with telling them things, he _has_ been, but right now this just feels like something he'd rather keep to himself, just for now. "I don't know," he repeats, steadying himself and offering him a hesitant but genuine smile. "But I've gotta go tell them goodbye." He turns without waiting for a response, stepping out and heading down the stairs to meet the other gems by the ship. Sage and Candy are already exchanging goodbyes, hugging tightly. They're pulling away again by the time Steven arrives.

"You sure you don't want me to come?" Candy asks hesitantly, tucking her hair behind her ear. But she steps back from Sage, from the ship, as if she already knows the answer to that.

"I'm sure," Sage murmurs. "I'd much rather you stay here."

"This isn't goodbye," Agate reminds them, arching an eyebrow. "Just… 'see you later'."

"Don't wreck my ship," Berry grumbles. Her eyes are all for Sage at that moment, but there's an unreadable emotion flickering behind her eyes. Steven can't quite place it, but it's almost gentle. The way Sage looks back at the Ruby in response makes the corners of his lips tug upwards, however, but Berry seems a little less than amused. "And don't get yourselves shattered, either. I do fully expect to see the two of you again, gems intact, eventually. So you can tell Yellow Diamond that if she lets you get shattered, I'll grind her gem into dust the next time I see her," she warns, and Steven only laughs for a few seconds before he silences himself again, because he knows damn well that Berry might actually hold true to her word there. Nobody else laughs.

Sage manages to look somewhat amused, however. "I'll pass the message along, but I sincerely doubt you'll have to worry about that." She looks toward Agate then, a silent question, then trails her gaze toward the Jaspers. Clementine stands at Tangerine's side, both of them positioned beside Lemon Lime. Clementine just looks worried, eyes on the ship, but Tangerine's gaze is as unreadable as it had been the past few days. And then, all too quickly, he sees it.

A flicker of determination, a flash of anger, a hint of the Quartz Steven remembers training with. It's all too relieving, even when she lifts her head and announces, "I wanna go with you guys."

He's unsurprised, and so are Agate and Sage. Clementine, however, rounds on the smaller Quartz with a look of pure disbelief written across her face, wide-eyed with dismay, and something akin to betrayal, even. Tangerine looks back at the ship for a moment longer before she tears her gaze back to Clementine, and while sheepish, she looks determined. "What?!"

"I have to, Clem. I wanna fight," Tangerine tells her, somewhat hesitantly, but her resolve seems to strengthen again as she pushes on further, "I can't just sit back here and keep trainin' like this. I wanna get back out there. I don't care about the Diamonds," she adds, a bitter look crossing her face for a moment as she looks away. Steven simply watches her, eyebrows furrowed as she speaks. "But I wanna take as many of those star-forsaken rebels down as I can for what they did to Mandy. And if that means going back to Homeworld, then I will _gladly_ go back to Homeworld. You know me." She glances back at Clementine briefly, then looks away again, but there's a faint, hesitant smile on her face now. "I just can't turn down a fight, can I?"

"Tangy…" Clementine's voice wavers slightly, just for a moment. She doesn't look surprised, just worried. Tangerine shakes her head, taking in a breath, and turns back to face her again.

"I'm not askin' you to come with me, Clem," she says softly, and hesitates. "I'd rather if ya don't." Clementine stiffens a little at that, mouth opening to object, but Tangerine interjects sharply before she can do so, "I gotta do this for _me._ You do what you gotta do for you, y'hear me? You stay here with Quartzy and Lime and Candy and the gems. And when I get back, we're gonna fight again, for _us_." Tangerine pauses, then, looking toward Steven. "So you guys get ready."

"We will be," Steven assures, stepping forward.

Clementine sighs, hesitating for a moment as she rubs a hand across her face. "... we will be."

"Good." Tangerine offers them both a grin, and it reaches her eyes this time, and Steven knows she'll be okay. He smiles back in response, holding his hand out to her, and she takes it, but only to pull him into a hug. He huffs out a sharp, surprised laugh, and grunts when Clementine is given the same treatment, pulled flush against them as Tangerine reaches over to grab the other Quartz by the wrist and tug her over to them. He stays silent for a while, wrapping his arms around both of them and feeling their arms curl around him and each other in response. It's warm, and surprisingly gentle now for the two Quartzes, and he's far too overwhelmed by how much he's going to miss her. Tears sting at his eyes, but they don't form quite yet. He misses Tangerine already, he misses Mandarin. He misses when it had been the four of them. Training, fighting… he never thought he would, but he misses it. It's a surreal kind of feeling.

They pull apart, Tangerine suddenly giggling as she wipes her own tears from her eyes. Clementine does the same, but she's not laughing; she's trembling, a small smile on her face, but she looks only seconds away from breaking down into tears. Tangerine offers her another hug, this one just for her, and Clementine kneels down to bury her face into the Quartz's hair. "It'll be okay," Tangerine whispers. "Dunno how, don't even know when, but it's gonna be okay."

"Yeah," Clementine breathes, holding on for a second longer before pulling away and wiping at her eyes again. "I know. Be- be careful out there, okay? Just- … just, please… be careful."

Tangerine only smiles, but she doesn't respond. She looks at Steven then, a teasing grin crossing her face as she looks at him, as he rubs his thumb over both of his eyes with a sigh. He's not even close to tears, but his eyes hurt, stinging with the threat of them. "Wow, you turned us into saps and now you've got the nerve not to cry with us? That hurts, Quartzy."

"Sorry," Steven shoots back good-naturedly. "Hold on, I'll see what I can muster up."

She laughs, punches his shoulder, and Steven huffs out a chuckle as he leans away from her.

"Alright, settle down," Agate reprimands them, but the amusement flickering through her eyes makes it clear that that's not an order, so Steven only sticks his tongue out before he turns away again. Tangerine offers Clementine and him another hug, and then she and Amethyst practically squeeze the life out of each other and almost poof, then Tangerine shuffles over and practically tackles Lemon Lime - who is quick to lift her up and squeeze her like he does Berry. Candy ruffles the Quartz's pigtails, and Sage has to pretty much wrestle the smaller Quartz away from the Pearl when Tangerine threatens to poof her in response, albeit playfully. Finally, when they settle down again, Steven moves forward to hug Sage this time, and she embraces him at once.

"Tell Blue I said hi," he murmurs before they pull apart, and she laughs.

"Oh, I'll be sure to."

Agate doesn't hug him, and he doesn't expect her to. But as Tangerine and Sage board the ship, waving and calling their goodbyes, she turns to look back at him, and inclines her head. "See you on the other side, 8BR." She smirks a little, barely-noticeable, but Steven notices.

Despite himself, he giggles. Then he steps forward, raising his hands into the familiar salute. It's like muscle memory, it _is_ muscle memory. It's a little awkward without the limb enhancers now, but once he's satisfied with it for the most part, he looks up and fixes her with a fond smile, which she returns, if only for a few seconds. "See you on the other side, my Agate. Good luck."

The ship closes and his heart aches, but he feels a little proud of himself as it rumbles to life. He'd done it. He'd made the choice to stay behind, and he'd stuck with it. For him. For Earth.

Watching them leave, he misses them already.

That feeling of dread is gone.

* * *

Later, after Steven finishes polishing Peridot's gem and takes a shower, Berry and Bismuth abruptly leave and return with excitement, and Berry presents Lemon Lime with his weapon.

It's beautiful, really. Painted in swirls of light and dark greens, the bow rests in the Peridot's mechanical fingers perfectly, made for him. As they make their way to the training arena, with almost everyone fawning over the weapon, Steven can't help but muse that Berry has definitely outdone herself on this one. And Bismuth, of course, who he assumed had helped her with it - at the very least supplying the tools she needed to make it. He steps down from the warp pad while Berry and Lemon Lime rush ahead, and Pearl eventually follows to summon a few holo-Pearls at Berry's request, and the rest of them sit down to watch as Lemon Lime prepares. He's hesitant, cautious, but he draws the string back skillfully and takes aim like he's done it a million times before, and Steven watches, entranced, as an arrow shimmers to life between his fingers the moment he pulls the string back and aims the bow toward one of the holo-Pearls.

It happens so quickly, but it feels so slow. As soon as Lemon Lime draws the string back, the hologram summons a sword and lunges at him. He leaps back, bow at the ready, takes aim and shoots; it slices through the holo-Pearl mid-lunge, sword raised, and the hologram 'poofs' with a monotonous "defeat accepted!", the sword clattering to the floor as it dissolves into sparkles.

Steven cheers, but nobody cheers louder than Berry, who looks about ready to burst with pride. Lemon Lime blushes, a dark green dusting across his face as he lowers the bow, but for the first time since Steven had met him, he looks proud of himself, happy with himself, and… _content._

Well, he's certainly glad for this. There's a lot of training to be done now.

* * *

And they do. They train and fight, with breaks in between when Pearl calls him back to the house to eat. But for the most part, he stays in the arena and fights with Berry, Lemon Lime, Clementine and Candy. Occasionally, Amethyst joins in to spar with them. Steven faces up against her a few times, and he doesn't hold back with her, nor does he need to. She matches him blow for blow, whips against his scythe and shield, and he forgot how good she was. She praises him every so often in between blows, and it's… different. It's not like how it used to be, how she'd challenged him when he'd started getting better at fighting, how she'd insisted that she was the worst of the two of them and resented him - resented herself - for doing so. He can't help but smile at her praise, because he knows they've changed. Everything changed.

He fights Lemon Lime, and while he does find himself holding back for him, he does realize that he almost doesn't need to. Not only is the Peridot good with the bow, but he's also rather skilled even when he doesn't have the chance or time to use it. He dodges blows from the scythe easily and even manages to almost knock Steven off his feet a few times - although this is almost immediately followed by rapid apologies - and he's impressed, and glad for it. And he sees the pride on Berry's face every time Lemon Lime lands a blow of his own, or dodges one.

When they do finally call it quits for the day, retreating back to the beach house for dinner, Steven finds himself falling behind with Bismuth. "Looks like you got over that 'intense' thing!" She exclaims as she walks beside him, and he can't help but laugh. For a second it's like nothing had happened between them, for a second it's not as tense as it usually is with her. He rolls his shoulders back and relaxes for a moment, shrugging while she chuckles, "I'd offer to spar you myself, but you probably wouldn't be too keen on that considering… well, everything," the rainbow-haired gem adds thoughtfully, and Steven shakes his head, smiling despite himself.

"Hey, maybe it'd help me," he admits. He doesn't like feeling anxious around her, tries to remind himself he doesn't _have_ to. He slows for a second, watching the others disappear into the warp stream, and comes to a complete stop. "Even if we don't agree, I hope you know that I don't-"

"I know," Bismuth interrupts, turning back to him. "I get it. Hey, I don't resent you for having morals. You wouldn't be the only gem who doesn't believe in…" She trails off, looking toward the warp pad again, and he understands. "Well, you know. It's not exactly like I'm keen on shattering either," she confesses after a few seconds, and he blinks as he turns his gaze back to her, eyebrows furrowing slightly. "But the Diamonds need to be taken care of somehow, right? And sometimes it just feels like the only way to stop them is to kill them."

"Yeah. I know." He quiets for a moment, shaking his head, and murmurs, "I get it."

Bismuth nods, then suddenly chuckles, running her fingers through her hair. "Yeah. I thought Rose would never get it - she was always too soft. I'm still surprised that she ended up…"

Steven falters for a second, but only for a second. He understands why Rose had done what she did with Pink Diamond. He understands that she wasn't a bad person. But it's still weird to think about even now, though that might have something to do with the fact that when he thinks about Rose shattering Pink, he pictures gem shards in his own hands. "She did what she had to do. She saved the Earth. And… y'know. Maybe shattering them is the way to end it. But I don't think it should be the first resort," he admits. Bismuth nods slowly, a begrudging agreement. "Whatever happens," Steven finally says, "is going to happen. What happened back then already happened. What we need to focus on is the here and now. That's what I'm trying to do."

"You're a pretty mature kid," Bismuth murmurs. "When'd you get so smart?"

"Thanks." Steven can't help but laugh, heading for the warp pad. "It was probably the trauma."

Bismuth laughs a little, herself, as she follows, and Steven finally feels himself relax completely. Whatever tension had been between them is gone. He's not comfortable, but he's not afraid. "I do have a question, though," Bismuth speaks suddenly, and Steven pauses. "It's been bugging me for a while," she admits as he turns back to her, curious. "How did she do it?"

Steven blinks, uncomprehending for a few seconds. Then it hits him.

_("It was a_ _**sword!"** _ _)_

Blue Diamond's voice stills him again, the tension returning to his muscles. He jerks his shoulders back reflexively in response, but speaks before Bismuth can voice the concern that flashes across her face. "A sword," he tells her. "Rose shattered Pink Diamond with a sword."

Bismuth's expression falls blank for a few seconds, staring at him. She looks at him, for a while, like he just missed the punchline of a joke - then speaks. "The sword that I made her?"

Steven inclines his head, a silent confirmation. "Her sword, yeah."

"That's not possible."

"What?" He doesn't understand, _can't_ understand. She's not making any sense. "Why not?"

Bismuth shakes her head in response, silent for a moment. She looks troubled now, uncertain and confused. When her gaze meets his again, when she speaks, she looks confident in what she's saying, sure of herself, but still bewildered. "The sword I made Rose," she tells him, "was made specifically to never _shatter_ a gem. Even if it was intentional, it wouldn't be possible." She pauses for a second to let that sink in, but it doesn't. Steven just continues to stare back at her. "She couldn't have shattered Pink with that sword." Her voice is firm, certain. "It's not possible."

_("I designed this sword for a fair fight. It can cut through a gem's physical form in an instant! Destroying the body… but never the gem.")_

That feeling returns, the cold and the heat in his stomach, the sticky feeling of _dread._

"But…" Steven's head reels, gears frozen as he struggles to think. "Blue Diamond said that…" They stare at each other for a moment, equally confused. Bismuth doesn't say another word.

"Something's not right about this," Bismuth finally says, and Steven agrees.

Something's _wrong._


End file.
